Gemstones Secretly Financing Capaci Campaign, Sources Claim

Hot Springs, AR — In what is being described by absolutely nobody with any actual authority as the biggest political-religious scandal in Hot Springs history, reports suggest the Gemstone family has secretly thrown its considerable wealth behind mayoral candidate and pastor Eric Capaci. Sources say the operation, allegedly dubbed “Operation Mayorstone,” was cooked up somewhere between a church fundraiser, a private jet and a suspiciously expensive buffet.

According to the allegations, the Gemstones have been advising the campaign on everything from wardrobe to messaging, reportedly pushing the slogan: “Hot Springs: Come for the Baths, Stay Because We Bought the Building.” One unnamed source claims Baby Billy personally recommended replacing traditional campaign signs with giant LED crosses and suggested Capaci promise every voter “a blessing, a parking spot and absolutely no questions about where the money came from.”

Capaci has denied the allegations, while the Gemstones have reportedly denied ever hearing of Hot Springs. No evidence of the fictional conspiracy exists, although one campaign volunteer was allegedly seen carrying a briefcase labeled “Totally Normal Campaign Stuff.”