Governor Sanders Announces Arkansas Is Crushing It in Several Rankings Nobody Asked For

Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders announced Thursday that Arkansas continues to dominate the national rankings, proudly unveiling a collection of statistics she described as “proof that Arkansas is absolutely committed to being near the top of something.” The governor highlighted Arkansas’ seventh consecutive year being named the nation’s “Most Pro-Life State,” before moving on to several other rankings that received considerably less applause.

“Arkansas is number one,” Sanders reportedly said during the announcement, before unveiling a presentation showing the state ranked 49th in the nation for women and children’s health, 48th for child health, and 43rd in overall child well-being. “And look at this one — 40th in education. Folks, you can’t teach this kind of consistency.”

The governor then celebrated Arkansas’ 19.4% household food-insecurity rate, the highest in the nation, calling it “a tremendous achievement in making sure nobody has to wonder what they’re having for dinner because they already know they can’t afford it.” She also highlighted Arkansas’ overall 49th-place health ranking, before quietly closing that slide and asking an aide to “put the pro-life ranking back up.”

Officials say the administration is already working on a new statewide strategy to improve Arkansas’ rankings by simply finding categories where the state can finish first. “We’re exploring Best State for Having the Most Confederate Flags Per Square Mile, Highest Number of People Who Say ‘Bless Your Heart’ Before Starting an Argument, and Most Creative Ways to Avoid Talking About Healthcare,” one official said. “We’re confident Arkansas can win at least three of those.”