Tom Cotton Celebrates Arkansas Election Night From a Safe Distance

ARKANSAS — As voters across Arkansas headed to the polls and election-night coverage got underway, U.S. Senator Tom Cotton was reportedly enjoying the festivities from the comfort of Virginia. Because nothing says representing Arkansas quite like experiencing its biggest political night from several hundred miles away.

The senator’s alleged watch party featured all the essentials: a television tuned to Arkansas election coverage, refreshments, and absolutely no risk of accidentally running into an Arkansas constituent at the grocery store. Guests reportedly received complimentary maps so they could remember which state they were watching.

Cotton’s critics have previously questioned how often the senator makes appearances back home in Arkansas. But supporters say there’s no need to be physically present when modern technology allows a senator to follow local events from practically anywhere. “He can see Arkansas on television,” one fictional supporter explained. “That’s basically the same thing as being there.”

Meanwhile, Arkansas voters continued casting ballots, presumably unaware that their senator was participating in election night from a location where the biggest local concern was probably traffic on I-66. The Chronicle has learned that Cotton is considering expanding his remote engagement strategy to include a virtual town hall, a prerecorded handshake, and possibly sending a cardboard cutout to the next county fair.